Everyone Needs An Elevator Introduction

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You need an elevator introduction. Yes, you, the recently unemployed. Yes, you, the single person who wants to meet someone special. Yes, you, the college graduate who has no idea where to find a job. And yes, even you, the at-home mom.

Not an elevator pitch – which you might use to sell a product or service – a simple elevator introduction which sells you! I am talking about a quick way to introduce yourself which frames who you are, what you do, and where you want to go in a way that makes someone want to continue talking with you. This is your chance to give someone a reason to take a second look at you and see what you want them to see about you.

Everyone needs an effective way to introduce themselves to someone new because we are always in the process of connecting the dots of our lives through the people we meet and you never know where the next connection is going to take you.  Making connections opens doors.

Especially if you don’t have a job you like, you need an elevator introduction. Thinking through what you want to say about yourself ahead of time ensures that you don’t miss an opportunity to connect. An elevator introduction which confidently and comfortably rolls off your tongue is the difference between getting a response of “really? tell me more!” and “oh, okay, that’s nice.”  We all need to hear “really? tell me more!” – both to create opportunities for ourselves, as well as to preserve our egos.

The single most important function of a good elevator introduction is that it draws your listener toward you into further conversation.

When I had young kids, I used to dread going to social events where I would have to talk with people I didn’t know well.  Even though I knew leaving my corporate job to be at home with my kids was the right choice for me, I didn’t feel that I had anything interesting to say about myself. My days were spent filling sippy cups and changing diapers.  I was buried in the mundane details of my daily life. Whenever I found myself answering the question, “what do you do?” with “I am a mom,” the response I heard more often than not was something like “oh, that’s great and, uh, really worthwhile, and, um, I am going to go get another drink.”

I realize now that I could have saved myself a lot of awkward moments and had many more interesting conversations if I had found a way to introduce myself in a way that made it easier for my conversation partner to engage and connect with me.  I could have said, “I am raising the next generation of slackers” or “I am breeding excellent wives and husbands” – depending on how proud I was feeling about my parenting that day.  Either of those responses would have opened up a range of conversation topics that I could weigh in on.

I also could have said “I am doing time in the family trenches before starting my next gig running a custom cupcake business” (or whatever I wanted to be doing next).  This response would have directed the conversation around to a place that might yield a professional networking opportunity. Or a referral to a reliable babysitter. You never know where your conversation will lead when you give up the effort to appear “perfect” and share something true about yourself.

As I have often said on this blog, authenticity is the key to connecting. Add in a dose of positivity and enthusiasm and your elevator introduction becomes magnetic.

People connect with each other through aspirations, imperfections, and vulnerabilities. Presenting yourself as “perfect” is just boring, so don’t even try for that. An interesting and authentic elevator introduction makes you more accessible to other people and sets you up for getting more of what you want. Being real about where you are makes it possible to share where you want to go. Every new person you meet brings a wide range of experiences and contacts and could very well be the “dot” that connects you to your next big thing.

In a comment below, tell us your standard answer to “what do you do?”  Everyone who answers this question will be entered into a random drawing to win 1 hour of elevator introduction brainstorming with me. In that hour, we will talk about what you do, how you see yourself, where you want to go, and work on your elevator introduction so that it rolls off of your tongue easily and confidently!

Thank you to Taylor for the photo of the rock lady!

Breakfast Cookies For My Valentine

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The beau does not like change. I have come to see that this is very lucky for me, because he would rather deal with me (being the work-in-progress that I am), than trade me in for a newer, younger, less troublesome girlfriend. Given his druthers, he prefers his routines and a set way of doing most things. Especially in the morning. Every day he has half a bagel (marble or sesame) and orange juice (Tropicana, some pulp, not lots of pulp), does his sit-ups, texts me to say ’good morning,’ and then has his tea (Black Mango from Trader joe’s) with a breakfast cookie. Yes, a breakfast cookie!  I think he invented the concept of “breakfast cookie” just so he could have a treat in the morning.

Since we do not get to have breakfast together very often, I thought I would make him a Valentine’s gift which would send him off each day with a reminder that I am one of his biggest fans. Breakfast cookies with a secret message!

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The recipe for these yummy Lemon Heart Breakfast Cookies is at the end of this post. They were easy to bake, but I overcook everything and also forgot to sprinkle them with sugar, but they still came out plenty perfect and taste great! At least I am consistently erratic.

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While they were still warm, I poked a hole in them with a skewer…

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…and laced an 8 inch piece of ribbon through the hole once they were cooled.

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Using my favorite hand-made papers and the cookie cutter for a pattern, I cut out hearts. On each heart, I wrote a series of silly love notes – like, “I love you more than the wind loves the night” and “I love you more than trees love their leaves” and “I love you more than the waves love the sand.”  Yes, very silly.

When my kids were little, I used to send notes like this in their lunch boxes. They still laugh about my funny notes! Well, there is the possibility that they are mocking me, but I will take any attention I can get from my teens.

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We are going out to celebrate Valentines Day at dinner tonight since we will be busy with our kids on Thursday, which means I am not spoiling the surprise by posting his gift today and you still have time to make this for your Valentine if you want to!SONY DSC

It looked so pretty packaged up in a white box with a gingham bow! I am happy knowing that, even if I can’t be there for breakfast, he will get a little love to start his day!

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Do you have a good gift idea for your Valentine?

Here is the recipe:

Lemon Heart Breakfast Cookies

Adapted from Sunset “Cookies”

by Annie Kip for www.plentyperfect.com

1 cup butter, softened

1 cup sugar

1 egg yolk

3 teaspoons grated lemon peel

2 cups all-purpose flour

½ cup ground almonds (I used Almond Meal from Trader Joe’s)

Sugar to sprinkle on top

In a large bowl with an electric mixer, beat butter and sugar until creamy, beat in egg yolk and lemon peel. Gradually add flour, blending thoroughly. Mix in ground almonds.

Gather dough into a ball and roll out on a floured surface until ¼ inch thick. Cut out hearts and transfer to greased cookie sheet. Place about 1 inch apart. Sprinkle cookies lightly with sugar.

Bake at 325 degrees for 18-20 minutes, or until golden brown. Transfer to wire rack to cool.

The Accidental Happy Family

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Yesterday, due to 1) a rare black hole in the sports schedule universe, and 2) compulsory down-time resulting from “natural consequences” of poor behavior choices the previous week, we had a free day. Granted, there is always something to do and even doing nothing is actually doing something, so there is really no such thing as empty time, but yesterday our schedule was oddly open and I wanted to take advantage of the opportunity to do something.

Feeling a little raw from being a tough-love mom during the previous week (see #2 above), I suggested that my three kids and I go out for a special lunch of pizza and bowling at the Flatbread Company in Somerville and then head over to Lyndell’s in Cambridge to get coffee (for me, of course) and some of the best cookies on earth (for the kids, but I was also planning to eat one, just to show my willingness to sacrifice my own health to join in the family fun).

From the wailing and whining and impassioned protests, you would have thought that I had said, “hey kids, let’s go out for succotash and then take in a four-hour Italian opera.” What’s a mom to do? Other than get really mad and insist that everyone “shape up” so we can go have some damn family time. And then yell and lecture about how ungrateful they all are. This did not get the desired result.

Seeing the futility of the situation, I called the whole thing off and went to my room for some focused pouting. I put away clothes and felt sorry for myself. I cried a little, thinking about how I dutifully do all of the things that have to get done for our family and never get to just have fun with my kids. And I thought about how they will never give their dad a hard time like this because his attention is a more scarce commodity, which makes me sad for them and jealous of him at the same time. It feels bad to think about all of this, but I take comfort because it is familiar. I know how to do disappointment better than I know how to do happy family.

When I live in the “now,” I can fill it up with all kinds of projects and driving and work and tennis and coffee and driving. It is sometimes easy to forget that the time with my kids is short, because well, it isn’t always fun (see #2 above). When I do pick my head up and look around, I panic that every day we do not go out for pizza and bowling and cookies, is a lost opportunity to make happy family memories. Memories that will make them laugh and reminisce together as adults. Memories of what a great mom I was which will make them pick a really high quality nursing home and visit me frequently when I am old. It is hard to know how to accomplish this since I didn’t grow up with that kind of family feeling. I want it now – for myself and for my kids – so much and I keep grasping for what I think it might look like and spend too much time worrying that I am not getting it right.

Then the beau comes along, with his sweet bald head and penchant for simplifying complicated things, and says, “maybe they just want to be at home, instead of do stuff with you, because they already have that feeling.”

And I realize that he could be right. (Again, dang it.) I guess my homebody kids might want to be here, snuggled in on a Saturday with their pj’s on all day, because, to them, home feels like a safe place to get away from it all. Maybe they can ignore me because they trust that I will always here. Maybe they interrupt me to tell me seemingly unimportant things (especially if I am working) because they do need me. And maybe jumping on each other and teasing makes them feel connected. Maybe they can experiment with bad behavior choices because they know, without a doubt, that I will always love them no matter what. Maybe they don’t want to go do anything with me because just being together in our house gives them the feeling I have been blindly grasping for. And I wonder if I will ever get better at seeing that I already belong to the family I have always wanted.

How To Keep Focused On Getting A Better Life

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Getting to the life we envision for ourselves often takes a leap of faith.

Once the decision to make a change is made, everything that comes next can make it easy to forget why you made the decision in the first place. Stress can play tricks on your mind and make you wonder if you were thinking right when you made your decision. Sometimes, you just have to trust yourself and try to remember how it felt to be sure.

This happened to me when I was getting divorced. When I saw the sadness my decision was causing my kids, I even asked my soon-to-be ex-husband if we could just live together like roommates for the sake of the kids. I insanely thought for a moment that we could go from fighting like cats and dogs to buddies. Yes, I was insane. In the panic of seeing what my decision would mean for my kids, I was willing to try any alternative to divorce. I temporarily lost my mind and forgot about all the reasons that made it impossible for me to share a life with my husband. I forgot how it would be better for my kids to see a strong woman alone, than to absorb and normalize the unhealthy relationship between two parents. I was losing track of the new husband-free life I had envisioned for myself. Instead, I was thick into the mess of change and doubting my decision.

Getting through the whole process was hard. It took almost a full year to feel better again and to get my hopefulness back. I can now see that I was just plodding along on faith that our life would be better than it was when I was married. Along the way my mind played tricks on me and made me fear things that I didn’t need to, but periodically along the way, I regained my focus and remembered some things that made it easier.

I was afraid of being a single parent, because I had forgotten that, parenting with someone you can’t connect with is so hard. As a single parent, I get to make the rules in my house. It is up to me to decide how much teasing is too much. I can require everyone to eat dinner together. And bathe. I can create customs like lighting a candle at dinner. When we were always waiting on my ex to get home for dinner or weigh in on a decision, many of the things that I wanted to do as a family went by the wayside. For years. Now I can make them happen. (Mostly. I do have ornery teenagers, you know.) I remembered that it is good to be Queen.

I was afraid of being alone because I had forgotten how much worse it was to feel lonely in a marriage. At first, I thought I would miss having someone at the bottom of the stairs to talk to after putting the kids to bed – then I remembered that my husband was hardly ever home in the evenings. I was always waiting for him to be there. And he wasn’t, so I never could feel settled. I felt sorry for him that he was still at work that late at night. And I hoped he really was at work that late at night. Which didn’t feel good. Now, I really value having a quiet house to myself when the kids have gone to bed. I remembered that I like to have peace at home in the evenings.

I was afraid of shouldering all of the responsibility of taking care of a house, because I had forgotten that doing everything by yourself when you have a partner, feels worse than relying on yourself. Shoveling snow, dealing with horrendous basement floods, and emergency room visits still feels hard and lonely. Then I remember that I did these things by myself, even when I had a husband, and it feels more manageable.

I was afraid to not have a man in my life, because I had forgotten how sad it feels to be with someone who doesn’t cherish you. I had forgotten that, much to my disappointment, I had attended social events alone, slept alone, gone on vacation with the kids alone, and generally gone about my life alone for many years. I had forgotten that I was well-trained for a life alone.

Then somehow I remembered how it felt when I decided that I would rather have the freedom of being truly alone than live a life with someone who made me feel alone. And sometimes remembering that feeling has been the only thing that has kept me going through the difficult, lonely, scary times.

Getting through hard things makes me feel like I can get through more hard things if I need to. Divorce is not good, it is hard on kids, and should be avoided if at all possible. In the end, it turned out to be the right thing for my family. It has made our world bigger, emotionally safer, and more open to possibility. I am still in the process of creating the home I envisioned for my family. We still have meals where there is too much teasing. My son still insists he is an iguana. There are umbrellas in the shower and pizza boxes on the counter and dishes in the sink more nights than I would like, but my life is much closer to plenty perfect now and it feels good to know that how it goes from here is all up to me.

Make Yourself Happy

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Trying to make other people happy is likely to create unhappiness for all involved.

You can be thoughtful of other people. You can be generous with other people. You can even be indulgent of other people. But, no matter how hard you try, there is never a guarantee that your efforts will yield happy other people.

Following this line of reasoning, any efforts I make to create happiness for other people, should be made simply because those efforts, in and of themselves, will make me happy. I don’t think that is selfish. Any effort to make another person happy should be given completely freely. We can hope that our efforts will make other people happy, but it is immature to demand that our efforts will have the result we intend. It is unreasonable to think we can manage that level of control over other people.

I believe this but I don’t always remember to live it.

Two of my three kids have birthdays in December. This year, two out of two kids cried on their birthdays. They were choosing to focus on the things that did not go as they had hoped and forgot about most everything else. This made me feel disappointed and frustrated and angry and defeated.

SONY DSC                       I worked hard to give my kids a special feeling on their birthdays because I wanted to make sure they felt extra happy. At least for one day. I did not realize that my efforts had strings attached until I felt resentful and disappointed when a different outcome occurred. Yet, as hard as it is to see my kids unhappy, I have learned that I am capable of making them even more unhappy by being upset and disappointed in them for being unhappy. I am impressive like that.SONY DSC

I tried to pull myself together and remember that there are factors in play which I have no control over. I tried to hug them while they ranted. I tried to bear up under the expectation that I could make it all okay. That didn’t work, so I just put them to bed.

Letting go of outcomes and focusing on what makes us happy and ignoring what makes us unhappy creates more happiness. For everyone. It just does. Some of us have to learn this lesson over and over again.

I sit here tonight faced with the choice of feeling bad about the way things went for my kids on their birthdays or thinking about what a relief it is to remember how I want to give – without strings attached – in time for Christmas. Living what I believe is challenging. Letting my kids learn to be in charge of their own happiness is a gift which is hard for me to give, but is worth high dividends in long-term happiness for us all.

Do you struggle with this too?